It was 1 am and the rain was lightly falling. There is something so soothing about a summer rain. I felt drawn to sit outside on my deck, with a glass of wine, and listen to the crickets instead of going to bed. The light tip-tapping of the rain coupled with the crickets singing made it a very soothing meditative moment. It is in these moments that thoughts and feelings that have been pushed far from your mind seep into your active consciousness because there is nothing blocking them.
As much as I try to look, head on, at feelings and issues that bubble up, I really really just wanted to have some non-thinking, non-“growing” time to myself. Is that to much to ask? oh well…let’s crawl into my head and see [clearly, acutely, actively] what it is that I am avoiding….
The message was clear: I am off balance again. I am not taking time to take care of myself. I feel like I am on a teeter/totter, but, at the bottom, lifting everyone else in the sky. I know I could easily push myself up, off the ground, into the air, but sometimes it hard for me. I look up at whoever I am lifting up and see how happy they are. I feel selfish because in order for me to push myself up, someone else needs to come down. I love to see the joy on another’s face when they feel loved and appreciated. Too often, people don’t show each other how important they are in each other’s lives. We close ourselves off just that little bit, guarding ourselves from getting hurt. Everyone walks around so guarded, holding their love, safely hidden away in the inner pocket of their jacket, portioning it out little by little, only when they feel “safe” to do so. What I really want people to understand is that there is not a finite amount of love in their hearts. It will not run out, it will just expand and GROW! Maybe I do give too much to others, but it is so hard for me NOT too when I can see my friend’s and family’s spirits starving for a morsel of appreciation and love. This is why it is hard for me to push myself up on the teeter/totter. Of course, by doing this, sitting stagnant, I deplete myself. I need to find a balance and a way to give back to myself without it feeling like it is at the expense of another.
The quietness of the night reminded me of the book I am reading, Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. There is a chapter called “The World as our Mirror.”
The external world is like a giant mirror that reflects our consciousness clearly and accurately…’I assume that everything in my life is my reflection, my creation; there are no accidents or events that are unrelated to me. If i see or feel something, if it has any impact on me, then my soul has attracted or created it to show me something. If it didn’t mirror some part of myself, I wouldn’t even be able to see it. All the people in my life are reflections of the various characters and energies that live inside me.’
Reading that brought so much clarity with regards to one particular person in my life that I find incredibly selfish. We are polar opposites in so many regards. In many ways, we completely “mirror” each other in the ways we live our lives. What I realized last night is that both of us, she and I, need to incorporate aspects of each other into our own lives to create our own balance. We are learning tools for each other. Once I realized this, I began to feel more compassionately toward her and understood what her purpose is in my life now. I don’t feel as frustrated with her anymore, I embrace the lessons she is showing me in her own way. Maybe, just maybe, by doing that, I will be able to push up on my end of the teeter/totter and allow myself to have a turn up in the sky!